Dear Self

Since this year was kind of a big birthday (30! Aahhhhh. Yes, I have a gray hairs to prove it and look close you’ll see my wrinkles), I have been self-reflecting a bit. Who I was back in the day… who I am now… who I want to be.  I was thinking how cool it would be to write yourself letters now and give them to yourself back then (all right I stole this idea from sister)? What would I tell myself ten years ago? Twenty? Well here you go.

 

Dear 10-year-old self,

Oh you cute, long-haired, bushy-eyebrowed girl!  Listen to your sisters and cut your hair. Don’t wait four more years, please. But more importantly, bottle up that confidence of yours and keep it somewhere safe. Keep that “it’s not hard being a princess*” attitude and love, love, love yourself forever. You are going to have a wonderful life. People around you love you for YOU.  Let yourself grow out of that shyness and get ready to take on the world!  There is a plan for you. Oh, and keep writing in that journal.

 

Dear 16-year-old self,

You can’t figure out life completely, so don’t try too hard. Remember there is a plan and you have a choice to be happy. Happy attracts happy. Light attracts light.  Lift your chin up and LAUGH more. Memorize some jokes or something and tell them to yourself when that dark, gloomy monster of self-doubt comes knocking at the door. Hold on tight to the truths you know-you are a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves you! Never let anyone tell you different or that you are not good enough. Don’t waste energy beating yourself up! Stop stop stop.

It’s ok, you are kind of intense sometimes. So, take a big dose of chill and relax. Quit rushing around when you’re in a hurry. It drives people crazy. 🙂

You are smart and will get through chemistry. Yes, you will eventually go on a date, no worries hon.  But remember you don’t have to hold a boy’s hand just because he grabs it. Oh and that cute “bread boy?” Yeah, give him a call. He does totally like you. It’s worth getting over your phone-phobia and that traditional mindset that guys should call you first. He won’t. So call him.

Get a real straightener. Take a writing class. Or two. Or many. Keep playing the piano. Quit reading Jack Weyland and quit throwing up your food.

 

Dear 19-year-old self,

Woohoo! You’re in college, baby!  You will have some crazy fun times and have some super opportunities, so hang in there. Keep taking pictures! You will never regret more girl nights with your roomies and Craigo’s Pizza. Take some special ed classes. You have a knack with kids so utilize that gift. And geez! Take a break from staying at the library until it closes. Go swing dancing or something.  Join a yoga class. Buy tickets for the Colin Ray concert–you will regret it if you don’t.  Enjoy that wrinkle-blemish-free face of yours! It ain’t gonna last forever.

Take some deep breaths. Quit worrying about what everyone and their dog thinks about you. Get out of that comfort zone of quietness and you will be grateful. Forgetting about yourself and being involved will be worth it. Join some service organizations on campus–don’t wait until you’re a senior. They are super and you will meet some awesome people. Serve, serve, serve. You will “find” yourself much quicker that way than trying so hard to be perfect. It is OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES. Did you hear me? The Savior heals and you are good enough to be healed NOW. So let him. Don’t wait any longer. Remember there is a plan.

Ps, don’t you dare take your eyes off the parking lot while driving that suburban. It may be empty, but it still has a light post.

 

Dear 22-year-old self,

An LDS mission? Yes! You will LOVE it! It will be hard. But you will have fabulous experiences and meet people who will change your life forever. Hang in there, sister. Spread that light of yours. Remember thr bottle of confidence from when you were ten? USE IT! And don’t worry, that first transfer really will end and time does fly by. Call Sister Pugh to talk when you need it. (Please bring some cute clothes though, ok?) Smile!

 

Dear 25-year-old self,

Wedding bells! Once again sweetie, it’s really time to forget yourself. This is a must in marriage so get used to it. And yes, it’s worth every effort. This man LOVES you so bask in that love! Quit worrying about being the perfect wife and enjoy being HIS wife. He was a pretty persistent neighbor boy and didn’t give up, ya know. And you know what? He never will.  He will always be there for you.

Go camping more often. Get a mountain bike. You will like going to the gym at 6am. Eventually. Take horse riding lessons from someone you are not married to. Plan fun dates. Forget about that place in Park City. Trust me, it’s lame. Use your camera more often. Don’t get the blue Dodge from Ken Garff. Put some curtains up in your kitchen, it too sparse! Be spontaneous. Remind yourself you can do hard things and tell yourself those jokes now and then. Keep that gratitude journal going. Bear your testimony more often and read your scriptures every day.

Remember there is a plan. This life is good, so enjoy the journey. The next five years will be fantastic.

 

*I’m told this story of when I was a wee lass: My sister had a shirt that said “It’s hard being a princess.” Well, my cute five-year-old (oh wait, Mom, how old was I?) said “It’s not hard for me!” Ha ha.  Wish I really did have that kind of confidence now!

Our Little Miracle Boy

A little over two months ago, this was me.

This face reads:  Anxious. Nervous. Excited. Hopeful. And show time, baby! Ready or not, here he comes….

Perhaps, this post has taken me forever and a half to write, because it’s taken forever and a half to process everything. And to attempt expressing the insurmountable joy of bringing this boy to the world safely.  My heart still aches with the pain he had to experience in the first few weeks of his life, and still may have to experience in the future, but it leaps with joy every time I look at him and kiss his sweet face.

So, here are all the details!

At 34 weeks, I went in for a prenatal check up.  I was being monitored somewhat closely for my symptoms of intrahepatic cholestasis which involved weekly NSTs. This particular visit I asked if we should check fluid levels, so we did. The doctor saw something abnormal, which eventually sent me to maternal fetal medicine doctors to determine what it was. The verdict?

A sacrococcygeal teratoma.

A whaaaat?

A tumor growing off of his tailbone.

Umm..Ok.

How do you pronounce that again? What does that mean? What do we do now? What will his life ebtail?

Obviously many unknowns and naturally lots of worry.

So, naturally lots of prayer and faith and decision making.  Thankfully this was a best-case scenario for such an undesirable scenario–the baby was stable and didn’t need to be delivered early. I was watched super close, but mainly had him early for the cholestasis.

At 37 weeks + 6 days, on Valentine’s Day we met our miracle boy. Short story: went in for induction for a vaginal delivery, water was broken at 10ish, started pitocin at noon, was ready to push at 1:00pm, he arrived at 1:33pm. Got stuck for 3 incredibly long minutes around his hips (ahh that tumor)! Intense, y’all. I wanted to attempt no epidural, having a great experience with my first lil sweetie without one, and there was no time to even think about getting one this time. Woohoo! (Totally personal decision, epidurals are just fine.)

I had incredible nurses and doctors and they let me hold my sweet baby right away for a few minutes before he was whisked through the window straight into the NICU.  We all dropped our jaws when we found out he weighed 8 lbs 9 oz. WHEW, I tell you. (Hannah was not even five pounds!)   A few hours later, he was brought to my room in this incubator (below) with a respiratory team. Family (his big sis!) could say hello. Hannah wanted to “be soft” and touch him, sweet girl.  Then he was wheeled over to Primary Children’s Hospital Newborn ICU.

Two days later, Eli endured an excruciatingly long, 7-hour surgery to remove the teratoma.  I would never wish such an experience on ANY parent nor would I ever relive that day in a thousand years. Looooooongest day of our lives.

I will probably always (haha I don’t care about the grammar) tear up just thinking about the love and support felt from family and friends who gathered in prayer and fasting and in spirit to help support us and Eli.

The skilled surgeons did a fantastic job and were able to remove the entire 12 cm tumor, weighing about a pound, located mostly inside his abdomen and partially out his rear end. They had to go in from the front and the back, so he has two big battle wounds to show for it.  The tumor had displaced his bladder and ureters quite a bit, but we won’t know the repercussions of this for many years (hoping he will be feel the sensation of going potty).  He is more susceptible to infection as we learned several weeks later with a five day stay at the hospital for a UTI and antibiotics thru a central IV for 10 days at home. But thankfully the tumor was not intertwined with any muscle or organs–big blessings and miracles for sure.

 

Soo, Eli stayed in the NICU for close to three weeks to recover. Tiny baby steps along the path of his recovery were always reasons to celebrate: when he started waking up from sedation, when he continued to pee & poop!, when the dose of pain meds decreased, when he could breath on his own, when the stomach suction came out and the amount of tubes going into him started to decrease, when the incisions healed beautifully and we could see his darling little bum, when he could lay on his side and eventually his back, when we could finally start feeding him by bottle, when we could HOLD HIM!!!!!, and finally when all IVs could come out and monitoring was done… we could bring our sweet baby home.

We will be forever grateful for all of the amazing nurses & staff who took incredible care of hium during his stay.

The tumor turned out to be mature benign (hallelujah!!) and we will continue to hope and pray like crazy it will never come back! Yearly check ups and blood tests will be part of this future for quite a while to watch for any regrowth. Meanwhile, he has the cutest bum-scar ever. Ps, I’ve debated and debated about putting that quite personal picture of our little boy and his teratoma on the internet for the whole world to see… But perhaps it will find a parent somewhere dealing with this–I could hardly find any personal stories and would have appreciated talking to someone. 

March 5th was one of the happiest days ever!

Hannah was excited to see baby “broder” finally home. She immediately started giving him kisses, reading him stories (yes, even giving him her baby doll fully diapered to cuddle with), and singing him to sleep.  My mommy heart just about burst.

I’ve never felt so surrounded by love from everyone–and even from people I didn’t know–who were praying for our Eli and continue to do so. Thank you, thank you and bless you! His troubles aren’t over, but we are grateful for the miracles we have been blessed to witness and couldn’t be happier that this little guy has joined our family. He sure is a fighter.

Happy two months, buddy! We love you!